A good cry in the middle of the week

The last week has been a little rough and it has slowly been building until this morning when I cried all the way to school.  I dried my eyes to get through another classroom and finally into my classroom, where the tears instantly poured as the door shut behind me.  I just wanted to feel Brian's arms wrapped around me.  I just wanted a soft kiss on my forehead to remind me that I am loved and it will all be ok in the end.  That's what I needed . . . . . . that's what I wanted . . . . . .  but I knew in the reality of this deployment, that wouldn't be.

After turning the lights on in my classroom, I quickly had to shift roles from a blubbering army wife to a Kindergarten teacher with 21 talkative, rambunctious little ones be-bopping through my door.  A few of them looked at me and with a sincere look of, "I wonder why Ms. Stacy's eyes are red?" but not a one of them said anything.  I was happy that today was Wednesday and my 2 parent volunteers would be here in the morning to work with small groups.  It brought a little change to my day and they are the most wonderful and dependable moms!  I'm very, very lucky to have them this year!!

Lunchtime brought with it more tears when Brian didn't answer emails and wasn't showing up online to chat.  At rest time, I shared my day with a wonderful friend that I work with.  She is going through a rough time this year, too and we have had a few good therapy sessions during rest time this year.  The lights are out, the waves are crashing (best CD to put 21 kids to sleep!), and we have 30 good minutes of therapy!! Today was no different.  We cried with each other, we laughed about crying, and cried some more.  BUT, our therapy session was interrupted early by a ringing cell phone and it was . . . . . . BRIAN!!

I was so glad to finally get to talk to him and cry.  We talked for quite awhile and he helped ease my worries and clear my head.  It was wonderful to get to talk with him, but it was getting late on his side of the world and he had just worked a double-shift and needed to get to bed for his 5 a.m. wake up. 

You would think that my epidsodes of red eyes were over for the day, but I had a few more before the day was done.  Some of the smallest, most insignificant things upset me today.  I worked late tonight and as I left the school under a black sky, I began to cry once more.  You see, when I would work late at school, I ALWAYS, ALWAYS call Brian and talk to him on the phone as I walk from the school doors to my van, just for safety.  Yep, you guessed it, I cried because I couldn't call my husband on the other side of the world to make sure the boogey man wouldn't jump out and get me.

I thought I was the only one having a bad day until I picked the kids up from Nana and Papa's.  When we got home and I was tucking Ainsley into bed, she was pretty bummed.  Brogan was still finishing his milk, so I snuggled in beside Ainsley to see what was going on.  We started talking and she was saying that she just feels really sad but she doesn't really know why. I simply said, "Do you miss Daddy?" and the flood gates opened.  It makes me so sad, because it's usually her Daddy that would be laying in bed beside her, giving her a big hug telling her that it would be ok.  But, Daddy was gone and she was stuck with this Mommy who was having her own meltdown.  We cried together until Mr. Brogan came barreling up on the bed to see what all the excitement was about.  He gave us both a hug and softly wiped Ainsley's tears off her cheek.  (Take note of this, 'cause we don't always see the soft, affectionate side of Brogan. LOL)  I tucked them both in bed and kissed them goodnight as they put their tired little heads on their deployment pillowcases.  I smiled inside as I shut the lights off in their room when I thought of how Daddy is still a part of our bedtime routine with his handprint and sweet words of love on their pillows.  It's as if they can truly put their fears and troubles in his hands and be granted sweet dreams.

Here's praying for a better tomorrow with less tears and more laughter!